This feels insignificant right now, but here's a little update...

A week or so ago, my old boss and one of my best friends told me how much she missed working with me at camp this summer, and how much camp changed for her because I wasn't there. So many complex feelings ran through my head when I heard this. Part of me felt guilty for not figuring out how to more effectively prepare the person who took my job. A big part of me felt sad and mourned the first camp season in my entire life that I didn't get to see my revered peaceful place.  I am not too proud to admit that the part of me that selfishly wanted more responsibility at camp and never got it, was the tiniest bit comfortable with the fact that I was missed. 

I also yearned to see my friend and many other important people that I've never gone this long without seeing. I was perturbed with myself for not dedicating enough time to try to talk to my old staff this summer. I was frustrated with my lack of time, or maybe just time management, to talk to everyone I want to. However, I think the biggest feeling was this burdensome, inevitable sense of everything changing, substantially, outside of my control.

Since getting to Armenia, I have had so many conversations with people back home that I never would have imagined having in the past. I'm not sure what has prompted a lot of these changes, but I find myself saying things I wouldn't have said before. Maybe I am just missing home and feel like I need to remind people they matter to me. Maybe I'm being more open because it's more important now. Or maybe Armenia's blunt, straight-forward manner is changing me.

My friends are getting married. My family relationships are different. Old coworkers are moving on or getting promotions. Even my cat developed completely new habits. And I'm over here surprising people with changes of my own, not even realizing how it's all happening.

Tomorrow marks 5 months to the day since I jumped on a plane for the Peace Corps. This is also the first week that this new life I have has felt routine. For the first time, I've been waking up in the morning without having a small moment of wondering where I am and what I'm doing. I've been walking my 2.5 miles every day without thinking about what I miss at home or what I would be doing if I was there. I've been making decisions without thinking, "Okay Emily, you're in Armenia," before hand. 

Everything is changing, and Armenia is starting to feel like a home.

What a bittersweet feeling... I need this change in order to make it for the next 22 months. I like the fact that I don't feel like I'm constantly having system shocks anymore. In some ways though, I also don't want this change. I'm not Armenian, and there are so many things happening at home right now that remind me of that. Being overseas right now means I am the face of what's happening in America to a lot of people. There are so many questions every day about my opinions, and it is difficult to find the right answers. I don't want to give the wrong idea about America and I don't want to go on rants only about what America is to me, but I also want to have real conversations with the people I see every day. I'm sure finding the balance will be a process throughout the next two years, and maybe that new, cautious feeling would have helped me with this. It's too late for that now. I'm here for the long haul, and my brain has finally accepted that, whether I wanted it to or not.

So many times something happens and I think to myself, hey, you should write about that. Unfortunately, by the time I can actually sit down and write about something, the only thing I can think of is shutting my brain off and de-stressing. I hope I get better at making the time to write, so maybe next time you all can have some more substance instead of just my usual emotions explosion on a page. Until then, I'll try to keep my barely filtered brain-rants to a relatively short length at least. 

My final thoughts for today - feeling and noticing big, abstract changes as they are happening is a really weird sensation. Thanks for all of you who have stuck with me through them so far, and please feel free to enjoy part of this journey with me and make some changes on your own (and tell me about them!). It could be fun. I don't know if it's mostly good or bad yet, but at the very least, it's interesting.