I want to start by saying I wasn't expecting to experience a low like this so soon in my service. Technically, I haven't even started my service until swearing-in tomorrow. I know there's no concrete timeline of highs and lows and no right way to do this, but I was trying to be optimistic. I want to clarify that I have not reached the point where I've thought about going home, and I am okay. I've had a tough case of 'the sads' for a bit, and some things out of my control have made this week hard. I've used those coping mechanisms though, and things will be back on the upswing soon.
Since I visited my permanent site, I have felt some distance from my PST host family. This could just be my own 'awkward transition feels' projecting on to them, or it could be that they are just super busy themselves with their own ups and downs of life. The cause could be any number of things, but the effect of it has been a little uncomfortable. I won't go more into it, but it has been a bit rocky. I've spent a lot more time visiting other volunteer families or being on my own in my room for the past week. It wouldn't be a big deal by itself, but it didn't exactly help anything else either.
Probably the biggest factor in my lower level of optimism was the fact that I was missing something big at home. For my scouting family out there, you probably know that this being Memorial Day Weekend means more than just a day off work for our family. Since I was 4 years old, me, Mom, and Dad, (and when we were kids, my brother, too) have gone up to our favorite scout camp, Owasippe, every Memorial Day Work Weekend (MDWW) and cooked all weekend for the volunteers who come up to work on camp improvement projects. At it's peak, this has meant cooking a meal for 350 people. It's hectic, exhausting, stressful, and also absolutely wonderful. I never thought I would miss not being there so much as the weekend is characterized by working non-stop from 6am (sometimes earlier) until usually around 12am. The food is amazing (we cook almost everything from scratch), so I was missing that. I was also missing the people I see every year and work well past the point of exhaustion with and for. My best friend has been coming for years with me to help out, and thankfully he is a saint and still went with my parents. However, last weekend I was thinking about them often, calling them quite a bit, and even took a few times to just worry and cry. I was worried about my parents and friends, and I also didn't want to be missing out. It was rough.
Here's a few photos for those of you who don't know to see some of the glory I was missing out on. Obviously, they aren't my pics. Photo credit to Karen Shamasko.
In case my weekend wasn't perturbing enough, I also had my final language exam on Saturday. This meant lots of stress leading up to Saturday, and afterwards, I felt as if I didn't do as well as I was capable. I was upset with myself and having a hard time. I got my results yesterday, and after taking some time to contemplate, I feel okay about it. Still, I've felt like no matter how hard I work at this language, I have not been able to excel at it. In fact, I've been feeling like I haven't really had a space to do much of anything that I'm good at since I got here. When your main field of study is communication, and you can't effectively communicate, you are excruciatingly aware of all the other things you can no longer effectively do.
I've also been thinking a lot about my relationships with people at home. It feels as if I've left a lot of things unfinished. I've stepped out of my friends lives for two years. There's a couple friendships that needed work when it was time to leave, and now I'm not sure what will happen with those. A lot of my friendships are used to distance, but are built back up when we see each other, and we usually see each other at least a few times a year. I don't know where those will go. There's friendships that I was just starting to really build when it was time to go, and who knows if we'll be able to pick those back up in a couple of years. I know it's cheesy, but it's also a very real feeling sometimes. I'm sure most of my relationships with people will be okay when I get back, but that doesn't change the feelings of worry and sadness that I will have over the next couple of years.
The topping on the cake of my rough week was my favorite 3-year-old friend getting injured. I was playing with him at the time. My host family was incredibly insistent that it was no big deal and not my fault, but I felt at fault all the same. The little guy is okay now, and I'm sure it will be a funny story later, but it is emotionally taxing to desperately want to communicate sincere apologies and concern and not have the words for it. I ended up crying in front of my host family, which I did not in any way want to do, and all of my emotions from the last week seemed to want to come out. I ran away to my room, and thankfully Lauren was there and helped me through my emotional mess. It's just been rough.
Tomorrow is our swearing in ceremony, and I will officially become a Peace Corps Volunteer. Saturday, I move to my new host family in my new town and get to start doing things for the community I will call home for the next two years. There's a lot of things to look forward to, and I know that. Sometimes, we just need to be sad. In fact, one of my favorite parts of Armenian culture is the acceptance that everyone just has bad days sometimes. You don't need to cheer them up or fix it. They don't need to smile or be happy or pretend to be okay. If you're having a bad day, you can just have a bad day. So I'm accepting that this week was a Down, and I'm looking forward for the Ups to come.
Ուղարկում եմ բօլօրը լավ ցանկությունները և մտքերը ձեզ համար;
Oorgharkoom em boloruh lav tsankootyoonneruh yev mitkeruh dzez hamar.
I am sending all of the good wishes and thoughts to you all.
Emily
I LOVE YOU!!!! 😍😙😙😙
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