Complete honesty, I've been struggling lately. There's no particular reason it seems, but getting out of bed in the morning to head to school has been hard. The kids are great. My counterpart is great. I have a pleasant work environment, but the days still seem to drag on and I feel anything but motivated.
I'm muscling through. I force myself to think positive. I created a feel good playlist to listen to on the way to work in an effort to make my brain more optimistic. I put everything I can into finding reasons to smile and being present in the moment. It feels as if I'm white-knuckling through each day. Like when you're physically exhausted but you give one last push of effort that uses everything you've got and you usually end up hurting yourself. That's how I feel mentally. I know it's temporary, and I'm doing all I can to keep pushing though.
It's hard to put a positive tilt to this feeling. I miss my culture to a level that I didn't think was possible. America, in all its messiness and broken pieces, is where I want to be. I miss trivial things like grabbing what I want off the shelf at the grocery store instead of asking for it, each category of items at a different counter with a different clerk. I miss brewing coffee in the morning, a routine I've improvised, but still isn't the same. I miss putting my clothes in a dryer and not having to wait a week for them to drip. I miss meeting up with friends at a bar or restaurant, being casually social without a big event or massive dinner being prepared. I miss running day-to-day errands even without the added difficulty of conducting them in a foreign language. There's nothing wrong with the way these things are in Armenia. I just miss how they are at home. Here's the positive spin. I'm a lot more grateful that I have those things to go home to.
Most of all right now, I miss warmth. I'm wearing 3 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of socks, 3 shirts, gloves, a wool hat, and a huge heavy winter coat throughout the school day. Still. Cold. I feel like a marshmallow with all the layers and still want to add more. In the mornings, I struggle to force myself out of my sleeping bag and then again out of my bedroom, the only heated room in my house. Showers are an act of will as I shiver under the hottest water I can manage and defrost until I force myself to move before my very limited hot water runs out. It's not that it's too much colder than the US, it's just the pervasiveness of the cold. Cold at home. Cold at work. Cold everywhere. Last year it didn't seem to bother me as much, but two years in a row and all I can say is Armenians are tough.
Twenty-seven months is a long time. It's a long time to be missing friends, family, and even simple comforts. I feel like that kid in the car asking, "Are we there yet?" every five minutes, impatient for it to be true. At month 22, I am ready to come home, but I still have things to do here. So I'm sticking it out, and I think it's okay that for right now, that's just hard. If anyone has any suggestions, bits of happiness, or some love to share, I'll take it. If not, maybe those at home could take a minute to appreciate the creature comforts that us Americans get to enjoy. I know everything isn't all peaches and cream there either, but there are plenty of little things that are.
Anyway, like I said, there's nothing actually wrong going on. I have awesome work projects (more to come on that), fantastic students, and an amazing counterpart. Maybe it's the cold, or maybe I've just been away for too long, but I'm still in this funk. I'm hoping soon the realization that I'm leaving Armenia and the things I will miss here will start to kick in, and I'll begin to fully appreciate each day again. Until then, warm sleeping bags, kitten cuddles, and the good moments in between will have to do.
Stay warm everyone.
Emily
